Posted in Letter
September 28, 2019

Alabama Lemonade

“Aren’t you like, the something of Ontario?!?”

Dear Doug Ford,

Truth is, I don’t really know who you are. I just recently moved to Ontario and don’t follow the news.

But I keep hearing your name pop up. Whether it’s in a coffee shop, a dinner party, or during downward dog at my hot yoga class, you seem to be a big topic of discussion. So I decided to look you up.

And I have some questions….

When I googled ‘Doug Ford is…’ the first thing that came up is ‘Doug Ford is taking motorists for a ride’. Who are these motorists?? Where are you taking them?? Are you planning to give them a ride back???

Speaking of, have you been to Canada’s Wonderland recently? They got some big rides man. Big rides and long lines. I recently went there and went on the Levithan. Its fucking scary man! But oddly, after getting past the initial fear, I really enjoyed it.

But anyways, back to you Doug…

I thought maybe it’d be best if I read your own words, so I might get what you stand for. So I went to your twitter. Before I could read through the 4,785 tweets, I found myself staring at your profile picture. I wanted to ask you –where do you go for your tan? Are you able to refer me? And how did you get your teeth to be that white? All help here would be greatly appreciated.

Then I saw your Twitter header photo…the one where you’re standing in front of Alabama’s Freshly squeezed lemonade stand with an impressively diverse group of people. I wanted to ask you Doug, how did you find such a diverse group in Alabama?? I’ve never been, but I want to know. And.. is Alabama even known for lemonade?? And aren’t you the ‘something’ of Ontario?? Why were you even in Alabama!!!!?? So many questions..

All this talk about lemonade got me hungry. So I called up Domino’s Pizza. I usually get their medium pizza with cheesy garlic breadsticks combo. So many carbs for such little money. You gottta try it Doug. Delicious too, so delicious.

Anyways, I feel like at this point I’ve gotten to know you somehow.

Take care Dougie,

Yours truly,



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