Posted in Letter
September 12, 2019

Your Biggest Fan!

“My husband and I own a small taxidermy shop in Huntsville. I am your BIGGEST supporter!”

Dear Premier Ford,

May I call you Doug? (I really want to call you Dougie, but my husband says that’s too familiar even if you are a ‘For The People’ person.) Anyway, my name is Ferne Lowry and I am your BIGGEST supporter. My husband and I own a small taxidermy shop in Huntsville. It’s called The Snuff Box and its right downtown on main street.

Bobert, that’s my husband, spends a lot of time on the computer searching for pictures of the animals he stuffs. So he can be more accurate, you know? He’s so cute. Last night I heard him shout “What a fox!” and then I knew he’d be coming to bed soon. Well, next morning, he told me that while he was looking at his animals, he found this website. I looked at this so-called ‘funny’ site and I couldn’t believe all the horrible things they were saying about you!

So, I’m taking this opportunity to say a great big thank you!

We have always been huge Conservative voters, just like everyone else we know. Heck, we’d vote for a hub cap if it was blue and white. And you’re twice as smart as a hub cap!

A couple of things though. Because you have such big shoulders and can take some well-meant criticism… we’re a little bit confused.

Didn’t you say that we had to kick Wynne out of office because of her always spending our tax dollars on useless things like infrastructure (whatever the heck that is) and health care and education and such? Bobert read the other day that you’ve spent billions more than her already. So, is that, like, part of your really smart plan? If so, what is it?

And how come you back-tracked on changing the sex-ed program back to the way it was before I was born? Now it’s back to the way it was and Petey, that’s our youngest, was just getting used to the new-old way and now he thinks he’s a lesbian! He’s so confused Bobert has to take him to the local strip club to give him some real education! Sometimes Bobert goes by himself to make sure Petey will get just the right training!

Oh, there are other things, like us not having a nurse-practitioner anymore because of cuts and the kids have to eat sawdust at school for lunch. Petey has started smoking again since you cut the agency that helps young people quit. He was going to start next month on that tree-planting program, but you cut that, now he smokes like a chimney.

Anyway, I’m sure you have a wonderful plan and it all will turn out in the end. Maybe you could try explaining your plan. It sure would help when we have arguments with Macey McGivens and her smart-alecky music-teacher husband, Brian.

All the best, Dougie (there I said it anyway). Keep up the good work and never mind what they are all saying about you.

Ferne Lowry

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